5 Steps in Handling Criticism

5 Steps in Handling Criticism.

For all of us who have been accused, judged, maligned, misquoted or misconstrued- unjustly or not, these simple 5 steps may help us all effectively handle criticism.

1. Separate the criticism from its delivery- Remove the emotions!
2. Consider the source- Bluntly, not all opinions matter.
3. Does the criticism contain any truth? If so, accept it and improve. If not, chose to dismiss it or correct it.
4. Remember who you really are. Our divine nature should create a healthy thick skin.
5. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it is better to be kind than right.

1. Separate the criticism from its delivery. It is imperative that we learn to separate these two factors. This is difficult because powerful emotions often get in the way. Nevertheless this separation is essential in dealing with criticism effectively. So be patient, take a breath and then ask yourself the questions posed in steps 2 and 3.

2. Consider the source- Ask yourself, “Is the criticism coming from someone I respect and care about?” If so, move to step 3. If not, we may find some relief sooner than later if we consider the following quote. David O McKay once said there are two kinds of people in this world, “builders and murmurers” (complainers). Sadly, there are some grumpy, unhappy and insecure people in this world. The old adage that misery loves company is true. If the criticism originated from a murmerer, we need to recognize it as such and dismiss it. Sometimes criticism from negative people is simply not worth the worry. Worry can waste time, emotions and effort. Worrying is like paying interest before it is due or serving a penalty before convicted. We cannot afford to lose sleep over the negative things said by what pop culture now calls “haters”.

3. Does the criticism contain any truth? Once we have taken the emotion out of it by separating what was said from its delivery, we should ask ourselves if the criticism is justified. First recognize that most criticism is an exaggeration of a fact or an opinion. Although everyone has a right to their own opinions, they do not have a right to their own facts. However, if there is some truth to what was said, even a little bit of truth, we can take it as an opportunity for action.

The challenge is we generally only value praise. Too many of us are afraid of complaints and objections. We allow them to become personal so our defenses jump in which destroys any chance for constructive resolution and change.

The sales profession runs in my family, in fact I am a fourth generation salesman. I started selling newspapers at age ten. By 15 I was selling skis and tennis rackets. I owned a retail furniture store for 18 years and have been selling automotive financing for almost that long. I have enjoyed forty-two years helping people obtain products they need and desire. Four + decades as a salesman teaches you a thing or two about objections. Thankfully, I learned years ago to actually welcome them. Say What? Yep, the most successful sales consultants want to hear their customer’s objections and sometimes we even fish for them. Each objection is a potential sale gift wrapped as a fear or complaint. These gifts allow us to appropriately address, correct and satisfy our customer’s concerns.

Criticism, even unfairly packaged can be a similar gift. If what was said bares some truth then it provides a wake up call, a chance to change, correct, make amends, move on and progress. If we wish to improve and develop we should invite constructive criticism and appreciate suggestions from others.

On the other hand, if the criticism is void of truth, we have two options. First is dismissal. Again, this is easier said than done. Self preservation is instinctive and often our first reaction is to fight back. However, more often than not, our reactions give the false criticism more importance than it deserves. Reaction often flames the fire when remaining silent can snuff it well before anyone even notices. When we demonstrate such strength, we maintain a dignity that builds our character and wins the respect of others.

Second, we can use false criticism to learn the value of other’s perceptions whether based on truth or not and then make the effort to correct what was said. Madison Avenue makes millions of dollars studying and addressing what consumers think. They have discovered that perceptions can often be just as important as true facts. Here is an example of how my father handled an unfair criticism to avoid future similar accusations. Rather than dismiss it, which he was certainly justified in doing, he chose to address the misperception.

My father was a regional sales manager for Texaco in the early 70’s. He had to attend business cocktail parties and conventions often. Abstaining from alcohol is a tenant of our faith and so his drink of choice at such functions was a glass of orange juice mixed with 7Up. One day at the office a co-worker voiced surprise to find out my dad was a Mormon. When asked why, the co-worker said he remembered seeing dad at a recent cocktail party with a drink in his hand that he assumed was a “screwdriver”. My father explained that it was only juice mixed with a soft drink. Now, that could have been the end of it and my dad would have been validated in his own faithfulness. Instead however, he decided then and there that people’s perceptions mattered to him and he never wanted to be unjustly thought of as the “Mormon who drinks” alcohol. So from then on he began drinking 7up right out of the can for everyone to see, even though it may have looked less than professional.

4. Remember who you really are. I am convinced that remembering our divine nature and individual worth helps us develop a healthy thick skin that protects us from hurtful criticism. So, how thick is your skin, really? If we find ourselves being easily tossed too and fro with the constant changing tide of public perception and opinion, we will never find the peace and safety our Father in Heaven intends.

I confess, I am imperfect, I do things I am not proud of and I don’t always do what I know I should. However, as limited as I am, I can honestly say that I am perfect in one thing. I have no favorites when it comes to my six children. They are all fascinating young men and women who continue to bring me joy and fulfillment as I watch them come into their own. I have been heard to joke that although I don’t have any favorites, I do have “least favorites” now and then. As flawed as I am however, there is no truth to that either. I really do love all of my children the same. If I am capable of that fair and equal love as an imperfect mortal, just think what our Father in Heaven is capable of with His perfect and everlasting love. There is no way that He loves me less than anyone else. The realization of that infinite worth should strengthen me and build a thick skin that can fend off and withstand the fiery darts of any enemy, real or perceived. How we react to criticism can say a lot more about us than what is actually being said. We can strengthen that thick skin by increasing our knowledge of and appreciation for our divine nature and worth.

5. Be kind and give others the benefit of the doubt. Have you ever had a bad day? Wouldn’t it be unfair if God judged us only on our bad days? Let’s afford others the opportunity to have a bad day once in a while. Everyone deserves a do-over.

Although I still have a long way to go, when it comes to our marital relationship, my wife and I are trying to adopt the principle that it is more important to be kind than to be right. As justified as we may feel when we react to criticism, more often than not, this same principle of kindness applies.

I guess the Lord wanted to keep me busy and out of trouble when we first started our family. I was blessed to serve 15 of our first 18 years as a married couple in bishoprics. One thing it forced me to do was learn and grow in a very public way. With only the experience derived on my mission, I was thrown front and center and suffered some hard knocks while congregations watched. Talk about a crash coarse in developing a thick skin.

Once I had a heated visit from a mother who was upset that her son had not been called to serve as the deacons quorum president. She felt since he was the oldest boy in the quorum, that he should be the “next in line”. I apologized but was able to explain with all sincerity that the recent change in the quorum presidency was done in accordance with the proper pattern. Following a discussion and earnest prayer, I had presented a name to the bishopric which was prayerfully considered and unanimously approved. (How grateful I was that we as a bishopric had indeed made such an effort and followed the proper pattern. Imagine how awkward it would have been if I hadn’t had that assurance.) After reassuring her that he would certainly have future opportunities for leadership, she interrupted and declared, “If my son falls away from the church, it will be your fault!”

Wow, did I deserve that? I’m a volunteer here, in fact, I didn’t even volunteer, I was called to this position. I had no agenda, I wasn’t playing favorites. All sorts of justified comebacks came immediately to mind. Yet, most likely because I was still so surprised by her criticism and not because of any mature or noble self control, I stood almost speechless. I think I merely responded, “I am sorry.”

There were a hundred reasons why what she said was rude, unfair and hurtful. How could she say that to someone who was trying so hard and donating so much time and effort on behalf of her son and the other youth in the ward? Amidst my feelings of justification, I found myself wisely shifting my focus away from her accusatory words directed at me. Instead, I began to wonder what might be going on with this mother that would elicit such judgment. The answers came to my mind as quickly as the earlier justifications.

She was a single working mother of six whose husband had left her years earlier for a “newer model”. Her hurt had most certainly turned to a bitterness I could not begin to imagine. The deck was stacked against her and she was fighting an uphill battle with kids who proved more than a handful, mostly because she was missing the extra pair of hands a father should provide. All she needed was some new kid on the block (me) to unknowingly mess with a pattern of seniority that had unfortunately been her only perception. To her, this was yet another time when she and her children were left with the short end of the stick. Not another word was spoken about it and my silence proved the proper response.

Not all experiences have happy endings. I remained aware and tried my best to befriend and involve her son. Though he remained active in church the next few years, after high school he moved out and like some of his older brothers, became less and less active. One day I received a visit at work from a highway patrol officer who informed me that this young man, who had been living hundred of miles away, had been killed in a traffic accident. He discovered I was now serving as his mother’s bishop and asked me if I would go with him to her school to break the devastating news.

There are moments in life when time stands still and sights, sounds and interactions are etched permanently in our minds. This was such a moment. We checked in at the office of the elementary school and received directions to her classroom. I said a silent prayer and opened her door which immediately drew her attention. Her inquisitive look as she saw me enter was drastically replaced with a glaze of complete hopelessness as soon as she saw the officer behind me. She stopped and as her shoulders shrank she sighed, “Oh no, Oh no” before I could say a word. I put my arm around her and spoke the words that cemented the impressions of dread she was already feeling. I held her and my heart ripped apart.

A wise modern day apostle once said,
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”
Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19.

Ten Commandments Memorization Tool

Ten Commandments Memorization Tool

Here is a great way to memorize the Ten Commandments in order in less than ten minutes. The story will keep you from ever forgetting them and I put together the graphic to help teach children and youth.

The story is simple-

"There were three brothers whose names were Gibb (GB), Guy (GI) and Give (GV) and their favorite thing to do was go to church. This made their parents so happy that they built them a castle but they were poor spellers and spelled it KASL. Oh- and they built it tall so all could see (C)."

The explanation-

I call the boys the Bee Gees (which guys my age know stood for the Brothers Gibb). That helps me remember the name of the first son.

1. GB= Gods before as in "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me."

2. GI= Graven images as in "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image."

3. GV= God in vain as in " Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

You can remember the order of the three sons because they happen to be alphabetical. ( GB before GI before GV )

4. Church= "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy."

5. Parents= "Honour thy father and thy mother."

Now comes the castle (KASL) of "though shalt nots".

6. K= "Thou shalt not kill"

7. A= "Thou shalt not commit adultery"

8. S= "Thou shalt not steal"

9. L= Thou shalt not bear false witness (lie)"

10. C= "Thou shalt not covet"

You can then remind your student that the first four refer to the first great commandment of loving God. The last six refer to the second which is loving our neighbor as ourselves.

Click below to print this tool on a single sheet of paper  that when folded in half shows the picture on one side and the explanation on the other for easy instruction;

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r4Tih1nxERL7mfGYt118K-B5jFqiVATdsBxAsY4ODGU/edit

 

Missionary Word Track

Intro if derogatory: “What Mormon told you that?”

1. I am so glad you asked me about that. My faith is
very important to me and I appreciate the chance to
clear this up.
2. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. I’m a Christian and believe in the
Bible, do you?
3. In the Bible we read… (give example)
4. That is why…(answer question & testify)
5. Did that answer your question? Do you have another?

PRINT A 3X5 WORD TRACK CARD HERE:

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0By0wB6jDaC-hU2JfOFZ6WExMRlU/edit

Background:

I have worked retail my whole life and because I often work evenings, I tend to stay up late. Instead of coming home tired, I usually come home a little wired. My family just loves this. Just when they are winding down for the evening, I come home wanting to go, do and play. Anyway, one late night I was up alone watching David Letterman.

That reminds me, we have all heard there are two types of people in this world. The answer to that leading statement differs depending on who you talk to. I have always joked that the two types of people are those who like Neal Diamond and those who don’t. I am of the latter persuasion. I have also heard the two types are those that like Leno and those that like Letterman. I am definitely of the latter persuasion there as well. My favorite answer though comes from David O McKay who said the two classes of people in this world are "builders and murmurers". So true!

Back to Letterman. This night, Letterman went up to the stands to play one of his audience participation games like “Brush with Greatness”, “Name that Cut of Beef” or some other silly game that seems a lot more funny at 12:30 AM. He chose an audience member, a cute BYU co-ed from Provo who was in NYC on her honeymoon. So, Letterman asked if she was Mormon which she confirmed. He said something like, “Hmm, a Mormon bride enjoying her honeymoon with her new husband. Well I have a question.” Then he paused and the crowd cheered a bit like they were all thinking the same thing. “Do you mind telling me if you are your husband’s only wife?” Again the audience laughed and cheered. I will never forget her response to an inappropriate yet sadly expected question. “David,” she said, “I am so glad you asked me that.” To this day I still don’t remember all that followed. I do remember that her answer seemed a bit weak but hey, she was being asked an awkward question in front of a live studio audience along with 5 million viewers in TV land. I definitely cut her slack.

But- what I absolutely loved was her initial response. Thanking Dave for asking a question about her faith, even a difficult one. Well- my mind started racing. In sales, we often use word tracks and commit them to memory. Most success in sales comes from effectively utilizing word tracks to help keep your message centered, engaging and on task. All of a sudden, I thought to myself, if I was asked a question like that in such a public and impromptu way, would I be prepared to answer the question more effectively?

So over the next few days, I developed this simple 5 step word track to memorize and incorporate whenever I am asked a question about my faith. And as you can see, I pay homage to that brave BYU co-ed by copying her incredible question as step number one.

In teaching this to my priest quorum shortly afterwards, one of the young men asked what to do if rather than being asked a question, you simply hear someone saying something wrong or derogatory about our beliefs. Another quorum member responded, “Ask them, who told you that?” I loved that take, but I suggested we tweak it to; “What Mormon told you that?” This sets you up to be the authority because 99% of the time, they got their bad information from someone who is also ignorant of the facts.

Everyone has the right to their own opinions, just not their own facts!
So using this word track helped many of our young men and family members I have shared this with better take advantage of the opportunities we have to spread the good news of the restoration in a concise and appropriate way.

The apostle Peter counseled “… be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear (i.e. reverence) 1 Peter 3:15

Key points to remember;
Intro- only use this if what was said or asked is derogatory or flat out wrong. If not, simply start with step #1.

Step #1- I am so glad you asked me about that. My faith is very important to me and I appreciate the chance to clear this up. This is where you are letting them know you are anxious to set things straight.
Step #2- I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’m a Christian and believe in the Bible, do you? This is an introduction to the name of our church and a chance to establish some common ground. As the brethren have counseled, we may be known as Mormons, but we should not refer to our church as the Mormon church.

Step #3- In the Bible we read… (give example) This is where we use scriptures or teachings already familiar to the contact, again to establish credibility and common ground. You don’t need to know chapter and verse, although that helps. Usually you will not have scriptures with you in such impromptu opportunities, but you should have a few standard scriptures that can help in almost any circumstances. For Example:

Word of Wisdom questions- Our bodies are referred to as the temple of God. 1 Corinthians 6:19
Temple questions- Christ felt temples were so sacred that he cleared the temple. Mark 11:15-19
Sabbath day observance- The Ten Commandments Exodus 20
Questions about Joseph Smith and modern revelation- God’s pattern is to use prophets. Amos 3:7. God loves all his children the same ( no respecter of person) Acts 10:34 So we too need a prophet.
Polygamy- God’s ways are not man’s ways. Isaiah 55:6-11. God allowed or commanded many of the Old Testament prophets to have more than one wife. Ex. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, even Moses.

Step #4- That is why…(answer question & testify) Answer the question, in just a sentence or two. Keep it simple and don’t wear out your welcome. Speaking too much might remind them to never ask you a question again.

Step #5- Did that answer your question? Do you have another? Now that you have developed some trust and in a real way set yourself up as an authority on the subject, now is the time to ask if you can clear up anything else. I have heard it said that everyone wants to know someone in the car business. The reason being is the trust factor, knowing you will get the straight stuff on things most people know little about. I think the same rule applies with religion. We all need to be the Mormon someone knows and can trust.

Here are a few examples on how to effectively use the word track. Simply use steps # 1, 2 and 5 exactly as outlined. All you need to alter is steps 3 and 4 depending on the question.

“Why don’t Mormons drink coffee or soda?Step #3- In the bible Christ and his disciples taught that our bodies are temples of the God and were created by Him. (1 Corinthians 6:19). So we respect and protect our bodies by observing a health code which includes eating a healthy diet and not using tobacco, alcohol and illegal drugs. It also forbids tea and coffee.

Step #4- What is amazing is this health code was given over 150 years ago, well before modern medicine and science proved the real danger of these substances. Because caffeine is a potentially harmful and addictive drug that both coffee and tea share, many members of the church choose to avoid caffeine all together. In fact, a recent study by USC found that Mormon men who observe this health code live 5 years longer than the average American male.

“Do you perform secret rituals in your temples?”Step #3- Temple worship was very important to those who believed in God, both in the Old and New Testaments. All the ancient prophets worshipped in temples and even Jesus Christ went to the temple often. These temples of coarse were different and separate from the synagogues or churches where people met on the Sabbath.
Step #4- We are the only Christian religion that still worship in temples like Christ did. What we do there is not secret but sacred. Because the worship, weddings and baptisms done there are so special to us, we don’t talk publicly about them so they will remain unique and sacred.

“ You don’t believe in the Bible, just your own gold bible, is that true?”Step # 3- I love the bible. In fact, for two whole years during high school, I attended an early morning Bible study class at 6:00 AM five days a week. In the bible Jesus taught that God loves all his children the same wherever they are. He also told his disciples before his resurrection that he had other sheep which were not of the fold in Judea that he would visit and teach.
Step #4- We believe these other sheep were living anciently on the American continent. They kept a record of God’s dealings with them similar to the bible. This ancient history was named after the prophet Mormon who last compiled the history. The Book of Mormon is a second witness along with the bible that testifies that Jesus is the Christ and the Savior of all mankind. Most Christians hope to know Jesus as much as possible; studying this second and companion witness has sure helped me.

“Are Mormons polygamists?”Step #3- The prophets and apostles of the bible have taught that God’s ways are not always man’s ways. Any student of the bible knows that God allowed most of the great prophets of the Old Testament to have more than one wife. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob to name a few. In fact, even Moses had two wives, and the bible tells us that God cursed Joshua for questioning it. So as strange as it may seem to us in our day, God has allowed and even blessed polygamous relationships throughout history.
Step #4- There was a time in our early church history where between 10 and 20% of the church membership were polygamists. The church officially discontinued this practice over 100 years ago. And so no, we are not polygamists. Any modern day polygamist you may hear about are not and most have never been members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We simply don’t allow it.

Print this here!

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0By0wB6jDaC-hVS03eEw4X0Jvenc/edit

Give a 5 Minute Church Talk on Any Subject with 5 Minutes Notice

555
Tool Purpose: How to give a 5 minute talk at church on any subject with just 5 minutes notice using 5 easy steps.A year ago, as is the tradition in many wards, the bishopric assigned a sacrament meeting to our Aaronic Priesthood young men in April to coincide with the restoration of the Aaronic Priesthood. I am serving as our ward's Young Men’s president again but I'm not complaining! Anyway, I have been so impressed with our four graduating priests that I decided to do something a little different. As part of their missionary preparation, I have taught these young men how to speak on any subject with just a minute’s notice. Whenever we practice it in quorum meetings I have been blown away at the quality of their talks!

So I got the bishop’s permission to surprise these four young men from the pulpit and assign each of them a gospel topic to speak on in that very meeting. They only had the five minutes during a musical number to prepare. These leaders of tomorrow did not disappoint. They spoke so eloquently, so authoritatively and so filled with the Spirit that when the bishop got up to close the meeting, he simply stood at the pulpit and wept. He was not alone.

So- here is my simple tool that once learned will help anyone give a 5 minute talk on any gospel topic with just 5 minutes notice.

1. Pray for guidance. I have a testimony that God cares what is said in His church meetings. Take time for a quick silent prayer and ask the Lord to use you as an instrument in His hands to fulfill His purpose.
2. Use the Hymn Book- Look in the Index for the subject you have been given and choose a hymn on the topic. Hymns are poems set to music. Start your talk by reading some of or the entire hymn as a poem to introduce your topic.
3. Read Scriptures- Look up the scriptures printed at the bottom of the hymn you use. Take some time in your quick 5 minute preparation to read the scripture and the chapter heading. Get a feel for when and for what purpose the Lord or his prophet shared such counsel and doctrine. Tell the story of how the scripture came about in you talk and then read the scripture.
4. “Liken to us”- Liken the message of the hymn and scriptures used to your own life or the life of someone you know. Share modern day examples of this gospel principle.
5. Bear Testimony- Always close in bearing witness.


Background:
Those that know me are aware that in this digital age of smart phones, iPads and notebooks, I still carry around my beat up Franklin Day Planner. I am not against hi-tech gadgets, in fact I often use my smart phone to read a scripture along with all the priests I teach every Sunday who do the same. (No more, "Oh, ah... I forgot my scriptures" from these great young men. I love that!)

Nevertheless, although I no longer use my Franklin to keep me on task, I carry 30 years of church experience, notes and talks that I like to keep at my disposal at a moment's notice. (I also can’t bring myself to replace the worn out cordovan leather cover given to me by an incredible ward council some 15 years ago) One thing being in five bishoprics teaches you is that you are "always on". Who knows when you will be needed to fill in and speak at the last moment, substitute a class or share a spiritual thought. It just made sense to me to keep everything I ever took the time to prepare close by. This includes notes I have taken while attending leadership meetings with the brethren or thoughts and impressions I might have had while waiting for an interview or temple session. It was my way of always being prepared.

But what about the great young men I have served as a stake and ward Young Men’s president recently who don't have the experience to fall back on as they accept calls to serve the Lord as missionaries? They too will soon be “always on" filling in and giving talks with little notice. No reason not to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands! So, I developed these 5 steps and chose 555 as the hook to help remember them. I hope you find it helpful. You can also print a 555 card that fits in your scriptures and lists the 5 steps below.

PRINT THIS POST HERE-

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0By0wB6jDaC-hNE5ZeXZrMjBCWUk/edit