5 Steps in Handling Criticism

5 Steps in Handling Criticism.

For all of us who have been accused, judged, maligned, misquoted or misconstrued- unjustly or not, these simple 5 steps may help us all effectively handle criticism.

1. Separate the criticism from its delivery- Remove the emotions!
2. Consider the source- Bluntly, not all opinions matter.
3. Does the criticism contain any truth? If so, accept it and improve. If not, chose to dismiss it or correct it.
4. Remember who you really are. Our divine nature should create a healthy thick skin.
5. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it is better to be kind than right.

1. Separate the criticism from its delivery. It is imperative that we learn to separate these two factors. This is difficult because powerful emotions often get in the way. Nevertheless this separation is essential in dealing with criticism effectively. So be patient, take a breath and then ask yourself the questions posed in steps 2 and 3.

2. Consider the source- Ask yourself, “Is the criticism coming from someone I respect and care about?” If so, move to step 3. If not, we may find some relief sooner than later if we consider the following quote. David O McKay once said there are two kinds of people in this world, “builders and murmurers” (complainers). Sadly, there are some grumpy, unhappy and insecure people in this world. The old adage that misery loves company is true. If the criticism originated from a murmerer, we need to recognize it as such and dismiss it. Sometimes criticism from negative people is simply not worth the worry. Worry can waste time, emotions and effort. Worrying is like paying interest before it is due or serving a penalty before convicted. We cannot afford to lose sleep over the negative things said by what pop culture now calls “haters”.

3. Does the criticism contain any truth? Once we have taken the emotion out of it by separating what was said from its delivery, we should ask ourselves if the criticism is justified. First recognize that most criticism is an exaggeration of a fact or an opinion. Although everyone has a right to their own opinions, they do not have a right to their own facts. However, if there is some truth to what was said, even a little bit of truth, we can take it as an opportunity for action.

The challenge is we generally only value praise. Too many of us are afraid of complaints and objections. We allow them to become personal so our defenses jump in which destroys any chance for constructive resolution and change.

The sales profession runs in my family, in fact I am a fourth generation salesman. I started selling newspapers at age ten. By 15 I was selling skis and tennis rackets. I owned a retail furniture store for 18 years and have been selling automotive financing for almost that long. I have enjoyed forty-two years helping people obtain products they need and desire. Four + decades as a salesman teaches you a thing or two about objections. Thankfully, I learned years ago to actually welcome them. Say What? Yep, the most successful sales consultants want to hear their customer’s objections and sometimes we even fish for them. Each objection is a potential sale gift wrapped as a fear or complaint. These gifts allow us to appropriately address, correct and satisfy our customer’s concerns.

Criticism, even unfairly packaged can be a similar gift. If what was said bares some truth then it provides a wake up call, a chance to change, correct, make amends, move on and progress. If we wish to improve and develop we should invite constructive criticism and appreciate suggestions from others.

On the other hand, if the criticism is void of truth, we have two options. First is dismissal. Again, this is easier said than done. Self preservation is instinctive and often our first reaction is to fight back. However, more often than not, our reactions give the false criticism more importance than it deserves. Reaction often flames the fire when remaining silent can snuff it well before anyone even notices. When we demonstrate such strength, we maintain a dignity that builds our character and wins the respect of others.

Second, we can use false criticism to learn the value of other’s perceptions whether based on truth or not and then make the effort to correct what was said. Madison Avenue makes millions of dollars studying and addressing what consumers think. They have discovered that perceptions can often be just as important as true facts. Here is an example of how my father handled an unfair criticism to avoid future similar accusations. Rather than dismiss it, which he was certainly justified in doing, he chose to address the misperception.

My father was a regional sales manager for Texaco in the early 70’s. He had to attend business cocktail parties and conventions often. Abstaining from alcohol is a tenant of our faith and so his drink of choice at such functions was a glass of orange juice mixed with 7Up. One day at the office a co-worker voiced surprise to find out my dad was a Mormon. When asked why, the co-worker said he remembered seeing dad at a recent cocktail party with a drink in his hand that he assumed was a “screwdriver”. My father explained that it was only juice mixed with a soft drink. Now, that could have been the end of it and my dad would have been validated in his own faithfulness. Instead however, he decided then and there that people’s perceptions mattered to him and he never wanted to be unjustly thought of as the “Mormon who drinks” alcohol. So from then on he began drinking 7up right out of the can for everyone to see, even though it may have looked less than professional.

4. Remember who you really are. I am convinced that remembering our divine nature and individual worth helps us develop a healthy thick skin that protects us from hurtful criticism. So, how thick is your skin, really? If we find ourselves being easily tossed too and fro with the constant changing tide of public perception and opinion, we will never find the peace and safety our Father in Heaven intends.

I confess, I am imperfect, I do things I am not proud of and I don’t always do what I know I should. However, as limited as I am, I can honestly say that I am perfect in one thing. I have no favorites when it comes to my six children. They are all fascinating young men and women who continue to bring me joy and fulfillment as I watch them come into their own. I have been heard to joke that although I don’t have any favorites, I do have “least favorites” now and then. As flawed as I am however, there is no truth to that either. I really do love all of my children the same. If I am capable of that fair and equal love as an imperfect mortal, just think what our Father in Heaven is capable of with His perfect and everlasting love. There is no way that He loves me less than anyone else. The realization of that infinite worth should strengthen me and build a thick skin that can fend off and withstand the fiery darts of any enemy, real or perceived. How we react to criticism can say a lot more about us than what is actually being said. We can strengthen that thick skin by increasing our knowledge of and appreciation for our divine nature and worth.

5. Be kind and give others the benefit of the doubt. Have you ever had a bad day? Wouldn’t it be unfair if God judged us only on our bad days? Let’s afford others the opportunity to have a bad day once in a while. Everyone deserves a do-over.

Although I still have a long way to go, when it comes to our marital relationship, my wife and I are trying to adopt the principle that it is more important to be kind than to be right. As justified as we may feel when we react to criticism, more often than not, this same principle of kindness applies.

I guess the Lord wanted to keep me busy and out of trouble when we first started our family. I was blessed to serve 15 of our first 18 years as a married couple in bishoprics. One thing it forced me to do was learn and grow in a very public way. With only the experience derived on my mission, I was thrown front and center and suffered some hard knocks while congregations watched. Talk about a crash coarse in developing a thick skin.

Once I had a heated visit from a mother who was upset that her son had not been called to serve as the deacons quorum president. She felt since he was the oldest boy in the quorum, that he should be the “next in line”. I apologized but was able to explain with all sincerity that the recent change in the quorum presidency was done in accordance with the proper pattern. Following a discussion and earnest prayer, I had presented a name to the bishopric which was prayerfully considered and unanimously approved. (How grateful I was that we as a bishopric had indeed made such an effort and followed the proper pattern. Imagine how awkward it would have been if I hadn’t had that assurance.) After reassuring her that he would certainly have future opportunities for leadership, she interrupted and declared, “If my son falls away from the church, it will be your fault!”

Wow, did I deserve that? I’m a volunteer here, in fact, I didn’t even volunteer, I was called to this position. I had no agenda, I wasn’t playing favorites. All sorts of justified comebacks came immediately to mind. Yet, most likely because I was still so surprised by her criticism and not because of any mature or noble self control, I stood almost speechless. I think I merely responded, “I am sorry.”

There were a hundred reasons why what she said was rude, unfair and hurtful. How could she say that to someone who was trying so hard and donating so much time and effort on behalf of her son and the other youth in the ward? Amidst my feelings of justification, I found myself wisely shifting my focus away from her accusatory words directed at me. Instead, I began to wonder what might be going on with this mother that would elicit such judgment. The answers came to my mind as quickly as the earlier justifications.

She was a single working mother of six whose husband had left her years earlier for a “newer model”. Her hurt had most certainly turned to a bitterness I could not begin to imagine. The deck was stacked against her and she was fighting an uphill battle with kids who proved more than a handful, mostly because she was missing the extra pair of hands a father should provide. All she needed was some new kid on the block (me) to unknowingly mess with a pattern of seniority that had unfortunately been her only perception. To her, this was yet another time when she and her children were left with the short end of the stick. Not another word was spoken about it and my silence proved the proper response.

Not all experiences have happy endings. I remained aware and tried my best to befriend and involve her son. Though he remained active in church the next few years, after high school he moved out and like some of his older brothers, became less and less active. One day I received a visit at work from a highway patrol officer who informed me that this young man, who had been living hundred of miles away, had been killed in a traffic accident. He discovered I was now serving as his mother’s bishop and asked me if I would go with him to her school to break the devastating news.

There are moments in life when time stands still and sights, sounds and interactions are etched permanently in our minds. This was such a moment. We checked in at the office of the elementary school and received directions to her classroom. I said a silent prayer and opened her door which immediately drew her attention. Her inquisitive look as she saw me enter was drastically replaced with a glaze of complete hopelessness as soon as she saw the officer behind me. She stopped and as her shoulders shrank she sighed, “Oh no, Oh no” before I could say a word. I put my arm around her and spoke the words that cemented the impressions of dread she was already feeling. I held her and my heart ripped apart.

A wise modern day apostle once said,
“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.”
Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19.